Rains; it pours. 40 days and 40 nights and me without my ark.
So the big gash from that new steak knife has healed shut, but now there's a large lump of flesh on one side of the cut, an enduring soreness beneath the wound, and my forefinger's tip has begun to twist down and to the side from the last joint. Looks kinda like arthritis, actually. For now I've made a splint to force the finger out flat again and I guess I'll wear one until it heals better. I'm hoping the splint will stretch out the scar tissue that's causing the disfigurement if i do it now while it's healing. Wish I had noticed that it was twisting sooner, though.
Shit, I don't know what else....
I went a crazy amount of hours and days in a row at work last two weeks, got robbed last week, and really had a shitty time in general. Today is the second day in a row the furniture guy was supposed to be here and stood us up. Tomorrow he wants to 'try' again and apparently I'm supposed to just hang out all day waiting. Today I stayed up all night because he was supposed to be here in the morning, a time which kept getting pushed back all day long until he finally canceled at 9 or something. Good thing I don't have anywhere to be or have any errands to run on my days off.
Oh wait, that's right. I lost my wallet and everything in it, I don't even have a driver's license. Sure would be nice if I could go do things like that, yet I can't get mad about it. Nothing major broke, blew up in my face, stabbed me, hurt my pets, or otherwise took more from me. I'm tired and just glad that someone not showing up was the worst, you know?
Lately I feel like it's insane to think anyone will do anything unless I beg them or force them to, and I'm starting to treat everyone as if that's normal adult behavior. I think I'm hen-pecking the living Christ out of the normal people but so far only a few have told me to cool down, and I don't want it to be like that.
Still can't stop myself from searching for the next major disaster, as if I could get the jump on it and save myself a little damage this time. I know there's another train wreck aimed at me somewhere, lurking around alleyways like a thug, so if I just over-compensate forever I should be good. Right?
"Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled."
And once said, the big words, the sharp rocks, can't effortlessly fade in one conciliatory, lucid moment.
I got up extra early, which left me a couple of hours of sleep between the alarm and insomnia, so I could run errands I badly need to do. I have to do them before work, because I work a straight shift with no lunch and can't leave until 2 am at the earliest, and it's not like anyone else in this place is going to do my errands for me. Thus far, Fiji hasn't offered.
Except that I run outside, ready to go and nice and early, and see I've been parked into the driveway. (My parking spot has been ritually taken by someone else for a few weeks now.) It takes me a long time to find the vehicle's owner. I don't get any errands done and I get to work 40 minutes late, embarrassed because I bet they don't believe I was parked in at all.
I have found a med. that helps (more than the others before it) me to sleep, but I have chosen to stop taking it, because I believe it's caused a massive infection in my bladder. I know that if I make the $160 co-pay and see the doctor, he'll give me a script for one little pill that will take care of everything. But my purse isn't that heavy. When it comes to these things, maybe because of my Crohne's, I'm asymptomatic, and feel no pain or discomfort at all. Last time I was told that since I feel no real discomfort, it just gets worse and worse until the walls start to bleed and the bladder gets infected, and then that bleeds, too. Which I can bear. $160, on the other hand, is not a matter of tolerance but of limits. This has been going on for a week or two, and I'm going to see if it will just get bored and go away eventually.
I finally got a chance to speak to the owners of the awesome house next door, and it may be mine to rent in March/April, which I have wanted for a very long time. The price tag, since the owners know me and know me to be reliable, is very good. They don't care about the pets at all. Three bedrooms, fenced backyard, glass doorknobs, three porches (Two of them enclosed!), a fireplace, a laundry room, gardens with climbing vines and flowers, stone bird baths, a security system, the list goes on-! And I'd just had someone email me a week before saying their lease was up in March and they were asking about the apartment upstairs and if it was still available.
Except that when I spoke with him today it became obvious he wasn't interested any longer. Erin works some kind of waitressing job (wouldn't know, she won't tell me) and is trying to get some online free-lance article writing thing, which might make it possible for her to take a room at the pretty little house, except she's announced intentions to leave or is trying to force me to say she has to leave. (I don't mind bringing up this home situation online anymore, considering the degree to which a version of it's been spread around AIM already, so what difference can it make now?) Shannon had previously shown much interest in rooming if I got a house, but as of last conversation and hints from earlier ones, it seems like the interest is a kind of fleeting fancy, not something she's interested in doing.
That leaves me with the house I wanted, no roommates, and the inability to say yes.
But at least I finished a grueling '40' (58) hr week at work---except that my days off are now gone, I will work instead of rest, do laundry, buy litter and food for the cats.
Then I lost the set of four beautiful living room furniture pieces (for a ridiculously low price) I'd seen advertised--some lady called right before me and left a deposit.
Some things with my family I don't want to discuss. Some things with cancer I don't want to discuss. Some things with friends I don't want to discuss. Some things about last week I don't want to discuss.
Please let tomorrow be a good day at work. Please let me be able to fall asleep for a couple of hours before I get up at 11 am. Please just let no more shitty things happen. I'll get over all the things I tried for and didn't get, but I need a gentle day. My shoulders are too heavy right now.
"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."
On Valentine's Day, I don't get grumpy or depressed that I'm not dating or married. I have completely no desire to do those things, nor do I feel left out. In fact, on Valentine's Day I'm reminded that no matter what we've been through together, and no matter how many friends forget me, there is somebody who will always love me.
-was that in life, everyone will fail you, even if only once.
And I wholly believe that, but I'm still sometimes surprised and unsettled when it's proven.
It's freakish to think back through all those years, all those broken promises, all those let-downs, each abandonment. Mostly because nothing else she ever said was worth a damn.
'I took the key and held it in my palm and could feel the weight of the countless people that had seeped into it. It struck me as terribly wretched, dirty, small-minded. Flustered for a moment, I ended up dropping the key into the river.'
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so this is how i ended my awesome day
obviously not the real thing, because blood is far darker, my hands aren't that fucking fat, and there was a lot more of it. required tourniquet, among other things.
just two pf my left hand fingers though. if they were right i'd care more. i cannot WAIT to get up in the morning and hear that walgreens/insurance company has still no processed my medication for the month. no biggie, right? the script only ran out on the 31st, right? it's only been 10 days of me puking bile at even the smell of food, RIGHT?
i am so happy.
